I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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