the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
