Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
