The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
