Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
