apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
