Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
