Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
