My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
