i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
