I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
