Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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