She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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