Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
