The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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