god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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