apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
