every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
