So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
