You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
