You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
