We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
