I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
