I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
