My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
