i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
