you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
