Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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