Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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