we're chasing vodka with high fives
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
