did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
