Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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