So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
