Someone shit on the floor
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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