would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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