Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just made out with a guy for $7.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
