I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
