God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
