I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
