Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
