i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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