The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
