Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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