theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
