Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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