Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
