she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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