You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I am morally bankrupt
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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