You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
