I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
