I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
