I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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